Last night I dreamed about someone, someone very important to me. Over the last month we have drifted apart though, one wide path split off into two and without looking we each walked down different ones. As the dream rolled forward I was feeling so very empty, like I was trying to accomplish something and it was always out of reach. I was trying to find a place and time to speak to and hug this person. I think in my mind I was trying to say goodbye, to the way things were.
In reality, laying in bed, I was happy and content next to someone for the first time in a little while. The room had a very loving and caring aura. In this bubble, in this fo-reality I was happy. Back in my dream though I believe I was getting that final amount of closure, it was such an odd feeling. It was so real but as the pictures flashed by, the dialogue flowed forth and the scene rumbled towards an end I never got that hug.
In the dream the time never felt right, we were never alone so I was unable to say the things even my dream persona wanted to say. I woke up, and even though I never got that final gesture, that final piece of the puzzle on the table, it felt like I did. For the mere fact that my mind went there, even if it didn’t complete that last task, it was as good as if it did.
Life is always perspective, if you feel like the world is crashing in, even if it’s not but you feel that way ….. Then it is. I had a rough January and early February, to my standards. I had some of the tougher days I’ve ever had, with nothing but my thoughts to corrupt what should have been good days. Days of being alive and well. Days counting my blessings, all the good people that surround me on a daily basis. And as soon as I get myself back to where I need to be things happen, not to me directly, but right on the peripheral that make me realize how close I was to just being petty and bitter over things inconsequential.
My sister and my brother-in-law are going through some difficulties, and their marriage which had loving bonds is now stretched to the limit, as in we’ll hang in there for the kids limit. How can I compare my loss to that one, the loss of a commitment that was so strong to stand in front of all the people you care for and profess it.
I met a friend of a friend yesterday, a very lovely bubbly woman who told me that it was a good day, because she got through it without crying. A statement that seems harmless enough until I had gotten more of the story. Without going into too much she had been going through a very traumatic experience that made mine pale in comparison. She had been with a very abusive person for two years, almost a year ago she got him to leave her life. I had just found out about 3 weeks ago he was on her property and killed himself. Took a gun and sprayed the snow red in an effort to show the world. All it left was a blood trail and scarred the heart of a seemingly good person. She sees things in her home that still remind her of him, it’s hard enough to end a relationship and not have that hole in your heart ache as you search for a plug to make it beat strong again. But now the smallest things will remind her of a bad abusive relationship and the man who ended it all right outside.
Things keep unfolding, life just keeps hitting me in waves. Perspective keeps roaring it’s head and smacking me. I haven’t had much time to feel sorry for myself, and I’m glad for that. Maybe what happened happened for a reason. Perhaps I needed to move forward, maybe that relationship did all it was meant to, we learned all we could. Maybe I deserved more. Perhaps I was being given a second chance to find someone who gave back more with less paranoia and negativity …..
Or as always, perhaps I’ve over thought this to ridiculous proportions.
Dreams perceived to answer questions rarely paint the picture. Reality in splendid colors often hide the pain. Light that offers comfort to you grips with tender fingers. The end that ends without a whimper fails to convey.
For often life speaks in volumes rarely ever heard. Teachings taught to closed eyes goes without a word. Lessons learned without conviction falls apart in air. The soul that shakes with wonder makes us look on high and dare.
