6:15

It’s 6:15 am and I’m too awake ….. I really want to get some sleep in case I wind up doing something late tomorrow. Was watching LOST but somehow I roamed over to the computer and am listening to music with the headphones on. There’s something about listening to music with headphones. It feels like the rest of the world for a few minutes really doesn’t exist. It really gets me going, in a good way.

I’m still a little down at times, but it’s amazing what listening to some music, the right music does. A little shaking of the shoulders, my hands clench in fists and pump a little, the arms are brought up, my body sways a bit….. yeah I admit it, I chair dance. I got skillz too.

Was talking to RJ earlier and going over some musical intros to some podcast segments, trying to get some regular pieces to the puzzle. It got my juces going so I guess that’s why I’ve been listening to music for a bit and am still doing so ….. I may have to blip a song or two before bed, haven’t been on there enough. I’m hoping to get on here more and more. Just be prepared for anything from silly to serious, from pensive to ludicrous ….. Life’s been ….. Life’s been ….. well it’s been plain ridonkulous ….. Finding the good in everything though, just the way I am.

I hope if anyone is reading this they are listening to the podcast. It’s been fun, getting to spend more time with RJ is good too. Anything seems possible again, for a bit I was painting myself in a corner and doing to much for everything else and not enough for myself, things are back on the right path, and there’s room for everyone.

I want candy ….. some songs are almost too upbeat for even me …. almost. Better try to get some sleep, better things soon ….. maybe even something interesting other that this blather. Later cats and kittens ….. Peace.

Dreams and Perspective

Last night I dreamed about someone, someone very important to me. Over the last month we have drifted apart though, one wide path split off into two and without looking we each walked down different ones. As the dream rolled forward I was feeling so very empty, like I was trying to accomplish something and it was always out of reach. I was trying to find a place and time to speak to and hug this person. I think in my mind I was trying to say goodbye, to the way things were.

In reality, laying in bed, I was happy and content next to someone for the first time in a little while. The room had a very loving and caring aura. In this bubble, in this fo-reality I was happy. Back in my dream though I believe I was getting that final amount of closure, it was such an odd feeling. It was so real but as the pictures flashed by, the dialogue flowed forth and the scene rumbled towards an end I never got that hug.

In the dream the time never felt right, we were never alone so I was unable to say the things even my dream persona wanted to say. I woke up, and even though I never got that final gesture, that final piece of the puzzle on the table, it felt like I did. For the mere fact that my mind went there, even if it didn’t complete that last task, it was as good as if it did.

Life is always perspective, if you feel like the world is crashing in, even if it’s not but you feel that way ….. Then it is. I had a rough January and early February, to my standards. I had some of the tougher days I’ve ever had, with nothing but my thoughts to corrupt what should have been good days. Days of being alive and well. Days counting my blessings, all the good people that surround me on a daily basis. And as soon as I get myself back to where I need to be things happen, not to me directly, but right on the peripheral that make me realize how close I was to just being petty and bitter over things inconsequential.

My sister and my brother-in-law are going through some difficulties, and their marriage which had loving bonds is now stretched to the limit, as in we’ll hang in there for the kids limit. How can I compare my loss to that one, the loss of a commitment that was so strong to stand in front of all the people you care for and profess it.

I met a friend of a friend yesterday, a very lovely bubbly woman who told me that it was a good day, because she got through it without crying. A statement that seems harmless enough until I had gotten more of the story. Without going into too much she had been going through a very traumatic experience that made mine pale in comparison. She had been with a very abusive person for two years, almost a year ago she got him to leave her life. I had just found out about 3 weeks ago he was on her property and killed himself. Took a gun and sprayed the snow red in an effort to show the world. All it left was a blood trail and scarred the heart of a seemingly good person. She sees things in her home that still remind her of him, it’s hard enough to end a relationship and not have that hole in your heart ache as you search for a plug to make it beat strong again. But now the smallest things will remind her of a bad abusive relationship and the man who ended it all right outside.

Things keep unfolding, life just keeps hitting me in waves. Perspective keeps roaring it’s head and smacking me. I haven’t had much time to feel sorry for myself, and I’m glad for that. Maybe what happened happened for a reason. Perhaps I needed to move forward, maybe that relationship did all it was meant to, we learned all we could. Maybe I deserved more. Perhaps I was being given a second chance to find someone who gave back more with less paranoia and negativity …..

Or as always, perhaps I’ve over thought this to ridiculous proportions.

Dreams perceived to answer questions rarely paint the picture. Reality in splendid colors often hide the pain. Light that offers comfort to you grips with tender fingers. The end that ends without a whimper fails to convey.

For often life speaks in volumes rarely ever heard. Teachings taught to closed eyes goes without a word. Lessons learned without conviction falls apart in air. The soul that shakes with wonder makes us look on high and dare.

Now That’s The Way It’s Supposed To Be

Ever since I wrote something about a “new start” it has been.  Things are going much better.  Putting past things where they properly go, in the past. And looking towards the future.  Mr. Dennis and I will be attending a local punk/ska benefit show, part of trying to recapture the local music scene.  I know no one reads my thoughts here yet, but hopefully when we get the podcast going I’ll be here regularly talking about my thoughts, but also posting more on our podcast blog about where we’ll be.  It’s been a great week. I am only hoping for more from here on out.  More from me soon.

Brand New Start

It’s time for a brand new start. That doesn’t mean I’m starting over, it means I am going to make this time in my life the best it can be. Which will bring sorrow and heartache but it’ll bring a lot of cool fun stories, a lot of new experiences and most of all some great times with friends. I love to write, and to read, and to see what is going on in other people’s lives. I find life to be absurd and funny. And if you can’t find a way to laugh, even at the worst times, you won’t get anything out of what we’ve been given.

And what have we been given? A chance, a chance to enjoy this existence. Whatever it brings, whether there’s anything else out there or not, the one thing we know, the only thing we know is what we have here and now. Enjoy it however you wish, I’m going to talk about it here.

I love to be inspired by something someone says, something someone does. I love to find out that something I did inspired someone else. We can’t always have the idea, but if you can recognize that idea and enjoy it for what it is, you’ve unlocked one of the secrets, one of the ways to stay ahead of the wheel. Ahead of the wheel? People sometimes think of life as a hamster cage, just running that wheel round and round getting no where. Sometimes I like to think of it as just staying ahead of the wheel. We need that wheel though, as a reminder not to be complacent. We all need motivation and challenges and we all need to fall down so we remember why it’s important to stand back up. There is no success without failure.

I’m going to be vague, and funny, and silly and corny, and serious with poignant moments, and thinking I’m serious and come off as an idiot. Just roll your eyes and laugh, call me on something I said, make me think of another point of view, dare me to get out there and give some things some serious thought. I dare you.

More to come ….. I promise.